As I approach my 4thMother’s Day without Danny, I find I am exhausted. From work, keeping it together, all the things going on in our lives. It is a sadness that is so, so deep that it is hard to explain to anyone that hasn’t lived it. We cannot expect anyone to understand it. At the beginning, I will admit that I expected those around me to understand and be as sad I am. I didn’t want to be around people that didn’t offer me the compassion I felt I needed. After all, Danny is my son, how could they not want to? It has taken me almost 4 years to finally realize, really realize, that it is impossible for them to understand and actually unfair of me to expect it. In my better days, I am glad that they can’t understand it.
I know that many people around me probably think I should be over it, that I should be better or do better. How do you really get over losing a child? It doesn’t matter how many children you have, that void is still there. We love our children completely and individually. For me, there have not been favorites. They are different, with different personalities, needs, goals and desires. I cannot replace Danny’s life with Samantha’s. Danny’s void will never be filled no matter how much I love my daughter. We have loved ones here on earth with us but we don’t think of them every second. When we lose a child, you do. I lost my mom 7 years ago. I miss her, I miss her more now that I lost Danny but I talk to her and remember her with such fondness.
As parents, on Mother Day and every day, what do we want for our children? We want them to be happy. To find their way, their own way and be happy on their journey. Isn’t that our job, to teach and then let them go. However hard that may be?
On Mother’s Day and every day, I grieve for my son. On Mother’s day and every day I grieve for my daughter. She lost a brother whom she adored. In the process, she lost a part of her mom and dad too. I have heard siblings are called the silent grievers and they are. People always ask them about their parents. I grieve for her because I want her to be happy. On Mother’s Day and every day, I wish I could take this pain away for her.
No matter how much I miss Danny and wish I could bring him back for me, if I had only one wish, I would bring him back for my daughter. So that she could find true happiness again. So her journey would not be touched with this sadness that she too tries to hide.
On this 4thMother’s Day, I will try to be happy for Sam. So that she might feel that the time we spend together is special too. She deserves it and has earned it. I know Danny will watch from heaven and be happy for us.